Leave a comment

1. 

   kristi

   106 Kudos

   07/20/09

   HI Debbie,
   
   Well, I feel like a complete idiot. He got out of the hospital yesterday morning and we went to a nice breakfast together to talk about his plans and what he is going to do. He was so "normal" that I completely started to fall back in, even though I had planned on filing for divorce next week. I started rethinking my plans, but still kept my guard up with him. He wanted to spend the whole day together, wanted me to go and pick our daughter up and go to a park and just be together. I said I couldn't do that. He swore he would never use ever again, 14 days clean and he knew he was done. He swore on our daughters life.
   
   He used last night and never checked into a hotel. Stayed out all night. I had the suspicion because he never called me back or texted me after I tried contacting him last night. I am FLOORED!!!! I actually started to believe him. I really did and now I feel like a fool. :( I went and saw him this afternoon and it was written all over his face. I know he is ashamed, and TRIED to start saying that I "let him go" yesterday. Like I could read his mind and know that if I had stayed with him all day that I would have kept him away from meth. I'm sorry, I just don't understand it.
   
   I have to say that he is actively trying to get into rehab, staying in a hotel right around the corner from the facility. He is trying to collect more money owed to him from a state agency. Sadly, we don't have the money to get him in there. He had $10,000 and its all GONE in 3 weeks. And he had no rent to pay. I paid it. I called to try and take a loan from my 401K tonight but because I have moved, it's a 15 day hold. We are in California....do you or anyone know of any sliding scale rehab clinics? He has a very very small income.
   
   I'm so beyond frustrated. I feel so stupid though because I actually started to believe and have faith again. And then in talking to him, he has this amazing way of making me actually feel BAD for him. I even paid for his hotel room for tomorrow night because he has NO MONEY to his name and I can't have him freakin homeless. My God, what do I do?
   
   Original comment »

   07/20/09

   Reply from debbieL:

   Hi Kristi,
   
   Wow, I am SO sorry! It sounds like the completely typical meth addict story though. $10,000? Wow, that is crazy that he went through all that money. I hate to tell you what to do, but DON'T take money from your 401k! If I were you, I would cut all ties to him, or you will be penniless, homeless, and maybe even start using yourself. He needs to stop using you and deal with this himself. I wonder what he says to his meth "friends" when he's staying at the hotel room YOU paid for, and using YOUR money to buy more meth.
   
   California, huh? I know nothing about the laws and resources in that state. You are fighting a losing battle, though. This I DO know for sure. AND he's trying to put this on you. Bad. The more you hand him money, or pay his bills, the more that you are simply enabling him.
   
   Keep in touch, OK?
   
   Sincerely,
   Debbie

2. 

   kristi

   106 Kudos

   07/18/09

   HI Debbie,
   
   Thank you so much for your response. I'm sorry I didn't write back, I didn't realize there was an area on this site to view messages. Just found it today. We are doing "ok". He is 13 days clean right now and in a hospital for "suicide watch". He told me that he did that to try and get the most help he can. He was hoping that they would refer him to an inpatient rehab program and unfortunately they are not. :( Every day he is trying to convince me not to file for divorce. It's all very emotional. I truly believe as many posted that actions speak louder than words and that he needs to be on his own and pay bills as you said, and work on his own instead of me doing it all for him. He says so many nice things to me right now, crazy nice. It's hard to know if it's truth or because he's scared. He has no where to really go.
   
   Anyways, thank you so much for checking in. I will write more tomorrow. I'm off to bed, super tired tonight. :)
   
   Original comment »

   07/19/09

   Reply from debbieL:

   Hi Kristi,
   Wow, awesome! What state are you in? I can't believe they would not recommend inpatient! In Washington, you can do it through DSHS.
   
   Hang in there, and keep in touch. If you don't get the response/answer that you are looking for from one person/organization, then keep looking and asking other places! I would say help him to get the help that he needs, but don't do all the work for him. This is for him to do, not for you to do FOR him. Addicts are good at getting everyone else to do it, and not putting in the work themselves. Definitely, though, if he cannot get into an inpatient center, daily meetings and intensive outpatient is better than nothing. And UA's!
   
   Sincerely,
   Debbie
   
   

3. 

   kristi

   106 Kudos

   06/21/09

   HI Debbie,
   
   I wanted to thank you for your response to my posting. I am really having a hard time trying to understand meth and addiction in general. You mentioned that you were an addict and that you believe he will NEVER get clean. Does that mean that he will always have relapses? Do you believe, after him being a meth addict for 2 years and smoking meth--not just snorting, that he will always crave and desire the drug and relapse? I would actually LIKE to hear your stories, they may make me stronger.
   
   It's so hard splitting apart a family, but I have to keep reminding myself that HE did this....he chose this path, not me. I am just doing what I can to protect our daughter.
   
   I wanted to also get your opinion on this....as a recovering addict. he tells me that this is not he life he wants, as he is doing the drug, he thinks that "this is not who he wants to be and what is he doing?" etc. And that he wants a better life, etc. Should I believe that or is he only trying to get me back?
   
   He also told me yesterday that he only wants to go to rehab is he thinks there is only the slightest chance he will get me and our daughter back. If there is no hope and if he goes through it to find out I was only trying to get him into rehab, he will be devastated. He said if he doesnt' have me and Bella, then he doesn't want to live and doesn't want to be drug free, because what is he living for....nothing.
   
   What do I do with that? Help....
   

   06/22/09

   Reply from debbieL:

   Hi Kristi,
   Wow, that is alot for someone to deal with, and I will try to answer all of your questions. FIRST, he needs intensive inpatient, no questions. That is also typical of an addict, to put this all on you. Once he gets clean, he will understand how unfair he has been. He needs to earn the right to be a part of your and Bella's (your daughter? Pretty name!) lives. Of course, he wants to be clean! But Meth is SO powerful, I remember thinking the same thing, as I was smoking, wow, I really need to stop this, I'll get clean soon, blah blah. It took a raid by the police on my property, being handcuffed in front of my 2 young sons (thankfully, my oldest daughter, Mikaela, had already bailed and was living with my stepmother) to get me to stop. (After being hauled to jail, my sons and two other kids living in the house had to go to the hospital to give UA's to see if they were contaminated. Horrible.) Well, actually, I spent 2 months in county jail (my second time in jail) then went back out to use again, because everything had been taken away. My kids, my home, everything. And I come from an upper-middle class family. They didn't know how to deal with it, because they had no clue what it was about. Anyway, my CPS worker, after 3 dirty UA's (I thought I was getting away with it) told me "You will lose custody of your children." I sold my last quarter gram, and found out I was pregnant with my 4th child. Probably kept me clean, because I wouldn't use while I was pregnant. Anyway, it has been a LONG, HARD road back. I am with the father of my youngest (6 years old now) who was also the one responsible for the meth lab in our garage. We've been clean for almost 8 years. Together, we have 6 children. He went to inpatient for 3 months, and only because he would have stayed in jail if he hadn't gone. The relapse rate is very high, but the addict has to surround him/herself with non-users, and rejoin society by becoming employed, paying bills, etc. That, of course, is only after going through inpatient treatment. Then, intensive outpatient with random UA's. It sounds harder than it really is, especially if the addict doesn't want to give up the drugs. It really is one day at a time. After awhile, you can't imagine going back to that life, because it really is a horrible life. The dregs of society. People high on meth, who maybe have been up for days, will do the most despicable things imaginable. I have had friends murdered, dying horrible deaths. All because of the need to get high. Thankfully, I am very close to all my kids, and love my life now. I will tell you, though, it's tough (almost impossible) to get a job with my criminal record. Luckily my SO is in an industry where they don't really focus on that. He has supported us, and we are a totally normal family now. We finally bought a home big enough for us all!
   So, that's a short version of my life, oh, did I mention that we lost 2 homes, a couple of cars, all of my SO's belongings? (Mine and my kids' were already in storage.) And we owned these homes! (Well, us and the banks!) That's how strong of a hold this poison has.
   Alright, your man needs to go to inpatient treatment for starters. Maybe you could go to counseling as a family, AFTER he has gone through his rehab. Don't make any promises, unless you feel comfortable. But I wouldn't leave him alone with your daughter. Not that he doesn't love her, but he's under the influence. Better safe than sorry. Not sure what state you're in, but look into the insurance aspect, how it gets paid for, etc. And I understand Alanon is a good place for loved ones of addicts. They can help put things in perspective. If you don't like one group, try another.
   Hopefully I've answered your questions, but if not I would be happy to reply again! Take care of you and your baby; that's what YOU can do!
   Debbie

Leave a comment